Retreat Countdown: 13 Days ... and SUCCESS!

I successfully managed a 25-minute sit this morning sitting in an upright position as I will in a chair while on the retreat.  Now to stay focused!!

Retreat Countdown: 14 Days...and my practice sucks!

In two weeks I'll be packing the last of my bags, loading what I can in the car and finishing up that last load of laundry before going to bed and preparing for my trip to Georgia.

I'm somewhat dismayed at this time.  My meditation practice has been almost non-existent.  This knee-thing has been a much larger obstacle than it should be.  Perhaps I'm clinging to it as an excuse to not sit?  Maybe I've gotten back into a morning pattern which does not support my practice?  That seems more likely.  It always seems like I'm running late when I'm not getting up any later. 

I had all these lofty ideas and goals to "prepare" for this retreat.  I was going to keep losing weight.  I was going to stop drinking sodas and eating sugar.  I was going to sit for 45-minutes each morning and each night.

As I take another slug of my Pepsi and finish off that last cookie, I realize I've been sitting for at least 45-minutes each night - just in front of my computer!

There's never a better time to start than now...

Retreat Countdown: 18 Days - an unexpected lesson in mindfulness

Last night I received my final confirmation email for the retreat and I am now all set and on-course...for the course!!

I am scheduled for the MRI of my knee next Thursday.  The following Thursday is my follow-up visit to get the results.  Obviously, we won't be doing anything until I return from the retreat, but at least this way I will know specifically what the damage is and what my true limitations are for sitting.

One thing I came to realize this whole knee-experience is teaching me is mindfulness!  The doctor discouraged me from wearing the knee stabilizing brace as it could actually make it worse.  The brace was good because it helped me keep from twisting my leg the wrong way when I walk.  In other words, I didn't have to think about walking, the brace protected me from my own actions.

Since I can't wear the brace, I am now having to be much more aware and mindful of my steps, walking, and movement in general to ensure I don't step or twist the wrong way and injure my knee more.

Being mindful of walking, something we take for granted and do without thought, is an interesting experience and excellent practice for mindfulness!!

Retreat Countdown: 20 Days

I went to Jewett Orthopaedic Clinic yesterday about my knee.  The initial diagnosis based on symptoms is I've torn the meniscus.  The meniscus is the cushion (shock absorber, if you will) between the upper and lower leg bones.  MRI is the only way to properly diagnose a meniscus tear and determine the extent of injury.  Treatment can be as simple as physical therapy and as serious as surgery.  Since the majority of the pain is in the front of me knee, I'm hoping it's a horizontal tear in the front which is easier to repair if surgery is required.  Only I can injury my knee sitting.  LOL

I also found out I've been doing things wrong in caring for it to this point.  I've been applying heat, when I should have been applying cold.  The knee brace I've been wearing doesn't help this type of injury at all.  It actually can hurt because it can cause more swelling due to the heat that is retained in the area around the knee.

Bottom line, I will be spending the majority of the meditation retreat sitting in a chair.  While still slightly disappointing, I have accepted the way things are.  The doctor said I can still sit on the floor, but without bending and pulling my leg as close to my body, leaving it partially extended.  I tried sitting like that this morning and no go.  It's uncomfortable and it's difficult to attain a balance that does not cause my back to start hurting. 

Between now and when I leave for the retreat, I will be sitting upright in a chair or with my leg elevated for meditation.  Hopefully this will help with healing and I can maybe get in a few days of floor sitting during the retreat!

Now - to convince Troy to buy me a video camera so I can do a recording of myself the day we are allowed to start speaking after the 10 days of silence.  I've seen a couple of people post videos that day and it's interesting to watch them as they try to reintegrate verbal speech.

Retreat Countdown: 21 Days

Saw the doctor this afternoon about my knee. Frankly, it was a waste of my time.  Yes, I know my knee will bend, but it hurts here and here when you press on the sides of my knee.  Also, I have had a lifetime of experienced with my right knee slipping out of joint, so I am extremely familiar with how it feels when a joint is slipping and that's how the left knee feels!

Instead, he just told me it was swollen and not to sit with my legs bent or crossed.  Um, yeah.  Already knew THAT and already not doing THAT but after two weeks of being swollen and not doing THAT, just MAYBE someone should examine it?

For that, he spent how many years in medical school?

I kept trying to describe the symptoms to him and didn't even finish before he pronounced my knee swollen.  Um, yeah.  But the million dollar question is..... why?

All he did was straighten my leg and bend it.  Okay, so we've proven that works, but that's not the issue.  The issue is the standing up straight and walking on it part.  The sharp, shooting pain that randomly pierces my knee cap when I walk.  Or the way when I don't walk carefully and I lift my foot that my left knee feels as if it's slipping out of joint.

Once I realized he was in too big of a hurry to leave the room than to listen to what I had to say, I resigned myself to seeing the specialist (which is what I should have just gone ahead and done) AND finding a new family doctor.

It's now less than three weeks until the retreat, so my chances of seeing a specialist and doing any kind of real recovery before the retreat are zero.

I am disappointed that I may have to spend the retreat sitting in a chair.  I'm seriously, hugely disappointed.  (Yes, hugely, really is a word.  It's an adverb, to be exact.  My second favorite web site (next to Amazon.com)  http://www.m-w.com/ says so!)

Because of my knee, my morning routine has been disrupted and I have not been meditating every day like I was.  Faithfully.  This is a good lesson for me in accepting what is without judgement.

Instead, I should just focus on my appreciation and gratitude for the opportunity to participate in this retreat.  Appreciation for co-workers and a company which allows me to take 2-1/2 weeks off from work to pursue my craziness. 

Gratitude for a husband who encourages me to go without him when we finally determine it is best if someone stays home.  I love you.

For S.N. Goenke who sought, learned, and now shares this practice with others, thank you.

On the weather front, I have been comparing temps between Orlando and Jesup, GA for a few weeks now.  Running average appears to be about a 10 degree variance.  Not too bad.  I'm expecting lows in the 30s and highs in the 60s.  I told Troy we need to go shopping for clothes.  He told me no.  I told him I at least want to get some long johns!!

Retreat Countdown: 24 Days

24 more days!  Amazing!  Exciting!  I am looking forward to the retreat and getting completely, totally, and unreachably, away from work.  I feel I am ready to take on this huge challenge.

Almost 2 weeks ago now, my knee began bothering me and has gradually gotten worse.  I am unable to sit with my left leg bent, although it is habit to do so and I keep finding myself with it tucked underneath me or in front of me.  I have a knee brace I've been wearing to help keep my knee straight and it seems to help.  I went ahead and made a doctor appointment to look at it though. I am hopeful I will not have to sit in a chair for the retreat, but the goal of the retreat is my mind, not my seat.

Due to my knee (and, honestly, poor time management on my part) I have not been sitting every morning and that's okay.  Sometimes we do good, sometimes we do okay.  As long as we do the best we can.

Last night was an amazing meditation experience in both sessions; each unique in experience.  During the 6 PM meditation Troy had some of his "trippy" cathedral-sounding music which went perfect with the crystal bowls he plays.  The music was more "floaty" than is his preference, but the bowls were able to offset most of the higher points in the music.  Most everyone in the group commented that it was a quick 45 minutes and they couldn't believe it was over.  We started at 6:18 and I rang the bowl at 7:04.  That is always the sign of a great group meditation when the time passes so quickly for people.  It means they were able to reach that nice, calm, peaceful spot that they needed to relax, without falling asleep.

It was a surprisingly large group as well.  There were 23 of us, counting Troy and I.  I hope it doesn't climb out of control and we have to start controlling the group through RSVP again.  I hate having to manage through RSVP because people will RSVP and not come without updating their RSVP.  Then people who can and would come, cannot because the RSVP list shows full. One of the reasons we choose to move to Saturday nights was so we could do two sessions in one day and serve more people.  I am extremely grateful that we can serve the needs of so many, but am even more excited to see people incorporating meditation into their daily lives.  I cannot describe the joy I feel when someone embraces meditation and practices.  As they describe to me their accomplishments and the improvements in their lives due to their practice, I KNOW their is hope for our people.  This is something I can only encourage, but each person must find it within themselves to practice.  Those who choose to do so and see improvements in their lives, can bring that to others who observe the changes in the individual.  Slowly, we can build a world with more peace, understanding, compassion, and love through meditation.

Back to the 6 PM meditation and my experience.  As Troy played the bowls, he would have the vibration of the bowls rise and fall with the music.  I found myself in a place without thought, just awareness of the sounds around me, the rise and fall of the music and the comforting drone of the bowls.  A couple of times I would suddenly became aware of my palms and forearms lying on top of my thighs and could feel a single-pointed, mindful awareness of the sensation of my forearms and palms resting on top of my thighs.  No thought - no judgement describing the sensation.  Just an overall, complete awareness of nothing but sensation.  I've never experienced anything like it that I remember.

The 8 PM meditation was our chanting meditation.  A much smaller group of 10, it's a nice, intimate setting for chanting.  When we first began there were only a few of us, so it is nice to watch the group grow with people who enjoy chanting together.  As we grow in number, our chanting syncs together and is more powerful each time. 

After our chanting session, we go around the room giving everyone the opportunity to discuss, or give feedback about, their experience. We are still sitting in the dark as we go around the room to maintain the atmosphere of peace and intimacy.  It is not unusual that I will sometimes see a glow around people after meditation as we sit in the dark.  I've wondered if it could be an aura, but am not really sure and lean on the side of science that it's just my eyes adjusting to shapes in the dark after having them closed for a period of time.

Last night, however, I had an experience that still baffles me.  As we go around the room, I look at each person as they speak.  That is when I usually see the "glow" around them.  Sometimes it will fade as they speak, some are higher away from the physical body than others.  But when I look from one person to the next, they always stay with that person, never moving with my eyes.  When I look at the next person, I may or may not see the glow around them.  (I was amazed to find the picture on the right because it is exactly what I see.  Although it is a manipulated image, if you click here or on the title of this blog you can go to the website giving one explanation of what might be happening to me.   

As we went around the room last night, I looked at one woman who had a very strong glow around her.  I looked at her as she spoke and moved my eyes to the person on her left.  As my eyes moved to the next person, I saw two distinct outlines of a body that were glowing in the same way that I would see someone if they were sitting there.  I kept moving my eyes back and forth and realized that I could see all four outlines, the two on the outside with the physical bodies and the two in the center without physical bodies.  I still don't know what to make of it.

Am I truly seeing auras?  There aren't any colors and most are only inches away from the people.  They are more of a whitish/silverish glow that fades to a black that is thicker in some than in others.  I can only see them when sitting in a dark or semi-dark room and when I am very relaxed.

One of the things meditation is teaching me is acceptance and allowing.  Allowing means, we don't have to know the reason or understand why.  We just allow it to be what it is without judgement or definition.

Please comment and let me know what you think about what I'm seeing.

Omitofo

meditation grows your brain

Click below to read about research proving yet another benefit from meditation.

Meditation May Increase Gray Matter

Odd Meditation Music...

Okay, this is funny.  I sat down this morning, gingerly setting my legs for minimum stress on my swollen knee.  I set the timer on my iPhone for 25 minutes.  Closed my eyes, checked my posture, then began counting breaths.  As he usually does every morning, Troy came into the bedroom a few minutes into my meditation to finish getting ready for work.  This is our routine and he's never distracting.  Although I can still hear him, he's very gentle and quiet to minimize distraction.  I like to play a game sometimes where I try to "sense" his position in the room and what he's doing when I can't hear him moving around.

Anyway, so I'm sitting there, easing into my meditation.  Finding a really nice groove, good posture.  Troy comes into the room and about 3 minutes later lets rip with this really long, really loud fart.  It was awesome.  I tried my hardest to not laugh, but it was impossible.  I had such a case of giggles it took me another five minutes to calm down enough to return to my meditation.

You know what they say.  That's when you know you're with the perfect person.  When you can let rip with a fart in front of them and you both comment on how good it was and laught about it.

So, I guess you could say I had a good meditation, right?  Good way to start off the day anyway!!!  LOL

Retreat Countdown: Day 30

Last night was meditation so I did not sit in the morning, only in our evening sessions which total about 1-1/2 hours in meditation for the day. Today, I have not meditated at all, which is okay. Sometimes you have to give yourself a break. Especially since my knee is swollen again. It's so swollen I can't bend it without some discomfort and sometimes there is a sharp jabbing pain underneath the knee cap. I'm trying to give my knee a little break and see if it will get better. I hope I don't have to spend the entire retreat sitting in a chair!!!

I sent an email on Friday to confirm my reservation to attend the retreat next month. The course requires that you confirm your intention to attend between 2-4 weeks before start of course. Haven't received a confirmation of receipt from them yet.

Before you know it, the day will have arrived!!

Mindful Cat

Master Zen Kitteh Cat demonstrates the technique of mindfulness.  Full Awareness of one's surroundings without reacting to it.

Fearless Feline @ Yahoo! Video