Retreat Countdown: Day 33

This morning I increased by morning practice from 20 minutes to 25 minutes.  Going forward I will continue adding 5 minutes every few days to increase my sitting period on a daily basis.  I have also started doing 20-minute sits in the evening, when I can.  :)

Note to self:  when you have a swollen knee and the other one slips out of joint, it's not a good idea to sit in a half-lotus!!!

Retreat Countdown: Day 37

Saturday night was our group meditation in which I sit for two 45-minute sessions.  The first session I feel like I did very well, although there was a little discomfort in my legs and feet.  My back didn't seem to bother me much.  The second session I felt was going well at the beginning but halfway through something suddenly changed and I couldn't get comfortable or stay focused on my personal meditation.

I did not sit at all on Sunday; however, I do feel I reached meditative states during different activites (laundry, sun gazing, washing dishes, cooking) throughout the day. 

I cherish the routine of the work week because I almost always meditate for a minimum of 15 minutes every morning.

This week end we made the final decision about Troy attending the retreat with me next month.  Due to one of our cats advanced age and recent medical emergency, we feel it would be best if one of us remains home to provide the specialized care she now requires.  Troy has graciously offered to stay so I can attend as planned.  I married a very good man.

Retreat Countdown: Day 39

Note:  I will be posting future blogs with the heading, "Retreat Countdown".  These will be status updates as I prepare for the retreat next month.  Follow along as I continue building upon my current practice and what I learn along the way.

This morning's meditation went really well.  I was a little ahead of schedule, so I extended from my daily 15-minutes to 20.  I've been reaching a state during the past few days, where I know if I could sit for longer I could go deeper.  This is exciting when you consider the possibilities of 10-days of meditation!  The things I may learn! 

Morning is always the best meditation time for me.  It is quiet and peaceful in the morning.  I am very routine driven, so each morning I am the first to rise (okay, most of the time) so the house is especially quiet.  Well, except for Groucho whining because he wants his breakfast and he wants it now!  I brush my teeth, take my shower, put on my make up, and then, I sit.  We leave our iPod connected to the stereo and it plays all day  (the cats seem to like it) and we sleep to it at night.  It's filled with meditative and relaxation music.  When I sit for my meditation, the music is always playing very softly in the background.

This morning, I lost all awareness of the music or my surroundings.  I was so deeply aware of my body that nothing else existed and yet I was everything.  I spent the entire meditation going from relaxing my body to the breath to thinking and back to the breath and then the body until the thinking starts again and the whole cycle repeats.  Over and over and over again.

Those who know me, know when I finally put my mind to something I can and WILL do it.  It was encouraging this morning when the timer went off and I was still going between breath, body, and thinking.  Of course, that's not my goal.  My goal is to eventually observe my thoughts only and not engage them.  I am getting glimpses of that throughout my meditations now, but I am still spending most of the meditation in disengaging from my thoughts.

What encouraged me this morning is seeing evidence of my persistence.  It is a HUGE meditation confidence builder and helps me feel a little less apprehensive about next month's challenge.

Movement is not always a sign of progress

As you can see on my blog page, I now have a countdown timer counting the days, hours, and minutes until I sign in for my first Vipassana meditation retreat. As the days approach, I am feeling less apprehension and more comfortable with sitting for extended periods. I am learning to listen to my body, first and foremost, during meditation. Each time I begin to engage my thoughts, I will return to my body to center me and help me re-focus. First, I return to my breath. I focus on the sensation of air moving in and out of my body: above my lip, into my nostrils, down my windpipe, into my lungs and diaphgram, and then back out again. Once my breathing has helped me release the thoughts, then I turn my attention to my body. Have I tensed up any muscles? I check my feet, legs, thighs, stomach, buttocks, chest, arms, hands, shoulders, and neck. Every time thoughts intrude, I return to my body.

Since my thoughts tend to intrude a lot, I've been spending a lot more time focusing on my body.  At first this was annoying.  The constant reminder that once again I have to return to my body because I have engaged my thoughts again.  Now my 15-minute morning meditations just don't seem long enough anymore!

I have been struggling with back pain.  Now I am working with it.  I'm experimenting as I sit to find the position that is most comfortable, yet attentive, for an extended meditation period.  My back pain has lessened.  I also noticed that the more I focused on finding the right position for my back, the less I noticed the numbness creeping up my legs.

I am also looking forward to 10-days of uninterrupted introspection.  No distractions.  No responsibilities other than meditation, honoring the rules of conduct, and maintaining Noble Silence.

The past few months I have been reviewing everything about who I think I am and who I want to be and who I really am.  The more I think about it, the more my head hurts and the more confused I get.  The less I seem to know.  The less confident I am.

I do not see this as a bad thing.  I see this as progress.

Something a little different....

A Vipassana Retreat video with S.N. Goenka clips and really hip music...

30 minutes!

Accomplished a successful 30-minute sit this morning!  Yaaahhhh!!!

Meditation Practice Status

For the most part, I have been meditating for at least 15 minutes each day.  It gets a little hit and miss around the holidays because my practice has become part of my morning routine.  On the weekend and during a holiday there is no routine so I sometimes end up not doing my morning practice.  On at least one occasion I did still do my practice in the afternoon!  Might have even been two different days too!  :)

I've been going strong for a month or so now in meditating for 15 minutes every morning.  I can definitely see a difference in my ability to focus more on my breath and am finding larger gaps between thoughts.  That's not everytime though.  There are still days where I find myself bouncing from thought to thought with teeny-tiny gaps between thoughts.

I'm definitely beyond the guided meditation stage and am ready for silence.  Troy and I sleep to music at night and I leave it on in the morning as we get ready for work.  I usually leave the music playing softly while I meditate.  Sometimes I become completely unaware of it.  Others, I use it as a focus to keep my meditation on track.  On the rare opportunity to sit in silence, I do enjoy it greatly. 

Another thing I have discovered is that 15 minutes is not very long after all. 

Just 15 minutes a day is all it takes...

For about two weeks now I've been fairly consistent at meditating for 15 minutes every morning before going to work.  This morning I noticed the 15 minutes doesn't seem like 15 minutes any more, but less.  It's very encouraging. 

I have also been working with trying to figure out how to sit properly to relieve back pain.  A friend of mine recommended finding the "sitting bones" and putting my weight there so I am sitting on my sitting bones (what they are designed for) instead of using my back to sit up.  You know what?  It works!!!

Your sitting bones are the bony protrusion in your butt.  Just bend over, reach behind you, grab your butt and feel for the bones.  When sitting, find those bones by leaning forward until you have placed your weight on them.  I was focusing too much on "sitting up straight" and that was what contributed to my back pain.  So far, so good!  Give it a try if you are also struggling with back pain.

Something to ponder in meditation

Take away all your possessions.

Take away all your education.

Take away all your money.

What's left is all you are.

What are you all about?

Jealousy and Meditation

A couple of months ago we had a discussion about jealousy in our Buddhism class. As I reflected on this I thought, "Hmmm...I can't think of anyone or anything I'm jealous of."

This statement alone explains why meditation can be so very important to personal growth. I have a strained relationship in my life that I have been trying to figure out. I have been meditating on it, giving it my complete focus during meditation (or at least, as much as I can keep my mind focused - quite a challenge!).  During meditation this week, I have gained a great deal of insight into why I feel this strain in the relationship.  I'm jealous!

When I began my meditations with this focus, I found that it was even more difficult to keep my mind focused on my intention.  I thought remaining focused on the breath was a challenge!  Nope, try keeping focus on something you've hidden from yourself for so long!

When the first thought began to arise for examination as to why I feel the way I do, I was genuinely surprised as to what it was.  The first day, I got a glimpse that it had to do with a perception of lack of support.  Okay, that was good to ponder and I was able to fairly easily understand where this feeling came from.  On the second day, the jealousy thought began to bubble up.  When I thought it, I was even more surprised.  As I reached out to grab hold of the thought and began to expand upon it and examine it, there were suddenly a crowd of thoughts pushing in front of it, trying to grab my attention.  "No!  Me! Me! Look at me!  It's much more important that you think about this idea for the meditation group".  I felt as if I were being sucked into quick sand with my fingers slipping as I tried to hang onto that branch that would keep my head above ground.

I hung on, clinging, grabbing the thought while pushing the others aside.  I grabbed hold of it and pulled it up to my single point of awareness.  This thought appears to be the root of this perception.

Now that I understand better, what do I do about it?  I know that I will be continuing my examination of these realizations so I can come to a sound decision as to what I should do about these feelings and how to re-program them.  It will also mean rebuilding the relationship without the perceptions that have dirtied it to this point. 

This is just one example of the many where meditation can be so very important!  Have you had any such experiences during meditation?  Please share your experiences by commenting on this post.  (You can post anonymously if that makes you more comfortable.)

"The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves."
    -- William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693